*//On a crossroad

I find myself couldn't get my eyes off him but, I remain gentle with myself. Are there anything wrong with me? The word love just didn't choose coincidentally and rest in one’s heart, right? I feel honored that love came and called at my door but,I gently refuse the gift I cannot return cause no intention in any way to take advantage nor cause pain to this thing we have build for half a century. I know, sorry seems to be the hardest word.

How I deal with love is how I deal with you and that's when you said: ".. Our hearts feel the same pain and joy, even if our lives and ways are different .." But, I still chose to leave. I do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. I let it go with calmest of heart. There is a reason and there is a meaning. I hope you will know in time. As selfish as it may sound, I don't choose love but love chooses me. All I really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into my life. Feel the way it fills me to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in me. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world that revolves around me in anyway I possibly can.

That is where many love go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand it only as a need. They see their hearts as empty place that will be filled by love and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them. The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing but, as it cools they revert to seeing their love as need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

I always remember this words given from my late Granny, and keep it close to my heart. The word love has its own time, its own season and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into saying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or vise versa, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do. It always has been and always will be a mystery. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.

Still, P.S. I love you.